It Never Rains In Southern California…

Perhaps that’s true, but the tears still flow – for joy, for fear, for sadness, for guilt – and it all stems from breaking out of my comfort zone, headed toward new paths, leaving behind that which I knew so well.  The urge to go back is strong at times.  Some days I feel like I’m in over my head, swimming in unfamiliar waters.  It can be scary at times and exhilarating at others.

 This journey that started a few months ago has been an odd mix of freedom and bondage.  I’ve had the freedom to pursue goals in Los Angeles with the determination of a locomotive, yet a part of me is still tied to old habits and beliefs I embraced in Idaho.  If you can imagine that one… yeah, I’m feeling like an emotional Gumby being pulled apart.  

I ain’t gonna lie. It hurts terribly to be apart from my boys. This time away from them stretches my emotional boundaries farther than I ever thought possible.  Those days when my boys text me “I miss you :(” are the hardest on my heart.  I battle the “being there now” versus the “paving the road for a better parent, a better me, a better future for us all.”  But the same guilt that causes me to pause and question my reasoning is the same guilt that motivates me to push forward.  It’s a guilt that won’t let me stop until I fulfill the promises I’ve made.  And quickly.

~“Strong is what happens when you run out of weak.” ~

I’m much stronger now, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  The softer edges have once again sharpened, but in a different way.  I’m decisive and quick to rid myself of that which doesn’t serve me anymore.  Every moment is motion forward.  And when the time is right for my boys, they’ll walk beside me, albeit on their path, and hopefully I’ll have done one or two things that they can learn from.

Besides… I can’t turn back, because I know too much.  I know I have focus.  I know I have perseverance.  I know I won’t cave under pressure.  I know that by stepping out of my comfort zone, I’m expanding the boundaries exponentially.  I know “fear” is no longer a part of my vocabulary.  I know I can step into the thick of things and figure it out.  I know what I’m capable of by the progress I’ve made and the people I’ve met.  I’ve seen the true me.  It’s the me I want to show my boys.  It’s the me I want to show the world.

Hang on, because the ride is far from over…

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About Diana Murdock

California-grown, writer of contemporary and YA paranormal with enough energy to write, raise two boys, run, and dream.

Posted on December 8, 2013, in Family, Life Lessons, Parenting, Parents, Personal, Relationships, Self discovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 18 Comments.

  1. You are a strong spirit and a gentle soul. You are willing to do battle with the vicissitudes of life, yet you do not escape the wounds that come from loving so profoundly. Your words are authentic and heart-felt; your dilemma seemingly unsolvable; yet, you will persevere even through the storm. You have discovered, after much difficult personal transformation, that you can trust the wisdom of your intuition, and the courage of your resolve. Those of us who know and love you, believe in you and your endeavors. We walk the journey with you.

  2. I must admit, I shed a couple of tears while reading this, sharing a familiar feeling though for different reasons.

    I applaud you for stepping out of your comfort zone, for taking a chance and for giving YOU a chance. Keep at it. You’ve the strength to succeed. 🙂

  3. Onward, my dear friend. We have your back!

  4. Funny, I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. I’m glad you shared with us. You do sound much stronger Diana. I know this has been a really difficult move for you. Having two sons I can understand the strong pull on your heart. Yet, you’re moving forward. From your post, it sounds like positive things are happening for you. Hey, that looks like the HB pier. It rained here yesterday and it is freezing this morning. Ditto on Patricia’s comment! Yes, we have your back sista! {{Big Hugs!}} 🙂

  5. The Regular Guy NYC

    I applaud your efforts to step out of the comfort zone. So many of us pass up on opportunities because we are set in our routines and surroundings. Yes, it is never easy, but think of what you might gain in the end! Keep moving forward!

    • Hey, it’s great to see you! Thank you for your encouragement. I’m keeping the end result in the forefront. It’s been an amazing journey so far. I’ll keep you posted. Be well, my friend.

  6. I feel confident that all of your hard work and determination will produce great returns! You are ultimately doing right by your kids by what you’re showing them, your life at work. As you know, I’ve had to watch my son leave the nest to pave a road for his wonderful future. I’m torn because he’s still my baby and I wonder if I’ve done all I could to prepare him for the big world out there. And yet so proud because he’s doing it! I couldn’t have at his age! Your kids are as proud of you as you are of them. I’m sure of it! Thank God for Skype and other technology to keep in touch! Love you!

  7. Lots of people cheering for you, Diana. You’re so strong and that is something your kids take with them. Be great in LA

    • Oh, Dannie! So great to hear from you! I’ve been wrapped up in my universe, tightly wound in the decision making process, and I’m glad you found me. Yes, I am great in LA, and will be reaching greater heights. I do have an amazing support system all around me. I hope you are well, my friend.

  8. You have the right spirit and attitude! It’s just another of life’s adventures. Too bad some people never experience them.
    Remember: No matter what, things always get better…if you let it.
    Love you! W#1.

  9. 🙂 Hang in there, champ.
    I’m glad to hear you’re doing alright. I apologize for being away so much. I’m stuck in the writer’s cave and don’t know when I’m coming out. We’ll see.
    I hope you had a good Christmas under the circumstances. Happy New Year.
    *brotherly hugs*


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