A Sigh…The Period At The End Of My Thought

We all do it.  Or rather don’t do it.  We don’t always say what we think. You know what I’m talking about.  We’re on the verge of saying something, but then we cover our thoughts with sighs and forced smiles.

We put on that façade because…sometimes it’s just easier.  Easier to slip out of the conversation unnoticed.  Explanations usually only complicate the situation, opening the door to more discussion and blatant exposure of our soul.  We are called on to answer questions that sometimes catch us off guard, tricking us into revealing more than we had ever intended.  With everything so transparent, we are up for scrutiny with emotional poking and prodding and curious interrogation.

So, instead we come up with pretty words, smoke-screen phrases, trick-of-the-light diversions that lead our companions down one alleyway, while we’re running like hell the down the other, looking for the nearest dumpster or empty doorway to hide in until the perceived threat passes.

Photo: comicbookresources.com

Or maybe that’s just me.

Okay, so I tend to hide sometimes.  Even when my heart screams yes, my mind slaps me upside the head and says, “Are you nuts?  What are you thinking?”   For years the tides of emotion in my house began and ended with me, and for some unknown reason, my emotions were law.  Me.  My emotions.  As if I had any expertise in that field.  Go figure.

So, to maintain a steady stream, I dubbed myself the dam keeper.  And it became a way of life.  But it doesn’t serve me anymore, and now I’m working on my letter of resignation.

As part of my “rehab,” I do let loose.  There are playgrounds I let the Wild Child run amuck, giving only a brief show of concern when the Wild Child gets too…wild.  But some neighborhoods are dark and silent, familiar, yet…not.  I tend to explore those with a bit more caution, making sure each step is solid before moving on.  But the Wild Child is always there, egging me to run through those streets barefoot.  Some days she’s so much fun to follow, and I lose track of myself.  Carefree one moment, waking up the next with such an emotional hangover, thinking…Yikes!  Did I actually do that?

Ah, but we’re all works in progress, and I’m certainly no exception.  I would even claim that none of us are the same as we were one, five, or ten years ago.  Shedding behaviors that are counterproductive – just like ridding our closets of the clothes that don’t fit us well anymore – is key, and huge to our growth.

It may be hard to part with that comfortable pair of sweatpants, but, baby, if it doesn’t look good, if it’s worn out and tired looking?  Yeah.  Just give it to the Wild Child.  She’ll know exactly what to do with it.

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About Diana Murdock

California-grown, writer of contemporary and YA paranormal with enough energy to write, raise two boys, run, and dream.

Posted on November 9, 2011, in Friendships, Human, Personal, Women and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. The heart is the way, psychoanalytical perspectives are valid, valid for the sick, valid for Freud or Skinner, not for just us looking for love. Quite simple stuff.

  2. As a psychology major I have learned not to over-think, just feel and love.

  3. Ah…I loved this post! Beautiful analogy of the Wild Child. As for me, I lost her long ago…somewhere up in a tree probably when I was nine. You’ve inspired me to seek her out and go find her. I realize as I have gotten older, I have become far too serious and guarded. I needed this….thanks!

  4. This is beautiful Diana. I guess I would say I filter at home. Although I am not always successful and somethings that should be filtered are said. :O

  5. Diana, you’ve done it again, reached the deeper heart zone, and discussed things to which many of us can relate! I’m going to print your post and read it from time to time. Beautiful.

  6. I love that you let your wild child run amok. It’s so hard sometimes to remember we even have a wild child, much less let her go crazy and be herself. Your posts are always so eloquent and moving. Gives us all something to think about. I know exactly what my wild child would do with those sweats, now I just have to trust in her and let it happen.

  7. Ah, the Wild Child! Mine is never asleep 🙂

    Yes, by any means let her run free, although be cautious of those murky neighborhoods. Embrace the freedom of happiness in you. Your soul and the people around you will thank you, dear sista.

    So what’s your Wild Child going to do today? Remember, let her decide!

    Big hugs.

  8. You know I realized trying to tame my wild child never did me well. It’s not who I am. It doesn’t mean I say what I think everywhere I go. I tend to be very cautious at work – obviously – and during social events. With close friends, I let loose. With family too. And if somebody doesn’t like it, well, I kiss them goodbye.

    I remember having these awful talks with my ex. He asked me to change. I always replied: I cannot change. I grew up to be me. I can’t act any different. He lived a lie, and his family did the same. They hid behind appearances, never really saying what they thought. I found that absolutely despising and dreadful. And I wish I could have told them what I thought of them face to face, but I didn’t have the opportunity to do so. Therefore I use my blog. I had my moments where I pondered about writing them a letter and telling them the truth. Everything that crossed my mind about them. And then I realized: it’s a beautiful gift to be able to be truthful, open and honest. If ppl are too stupid to understand the beauty of such things, then leave them in the dark. They’ll die alone anyway. Nobody’s gonna care about appearances once they’re six feet under.

    Life is short. Don’t waste time trying to bottle down your emotions for the next millenium. Nobody’s gonna wait that long to see them come to fruition. Plus it’s bad for your health. 🙂

  9. may i just say that your writing is growing, blooming, metamophizing….. i can’t come up with any more words due to a mind-numbing sinus infection, but you get the idea. gorgeous prose, meaningful topic, especially to me as i explore my life.

  10. Words straight to the heart. I love my wild child. I don’t let her run amok as much as I should. Real life puts her in a funk, I tell you! Thank you for your words.

  11. Shannon Esposito

    I’ve had to learn to tame my wild child so I don’t overwhelm those around me…just because I feel everything so deeply and don’t have a poker face 🙂

  12. I let the sigh say it all a good bit. Everything is fine, even when it’s not. It’s either too much trouble to explain or it would hurt someone else’s feelings. The emotional hangover–nice to know I’m not the only one familiar with these–is not worth it. The solution? My husband and I gossip like two old ladies about everything and everybody.

  13. Such a nice inspirational blog.

    I surely can relate as being one who hides in the shadows myself. Sometimes hiding behind that facade of being happy even when I’m hurting inside. Most of the time putting on that veil that others may call snobbery, just to get away from all the threats to my well guarded emotions.

    Hopefully one day I’ll be able to find that Wild Child in me and be somebody who is truly happy and uncaring of what the others may think. Someone who thinks more for herself and just enjoy everything that life may bring.

  14. Wow Diana, thank you so much for sharing your innermost thoughts.

    The wild child. I’m glad you can express yourself like that.

    I was the oldest child. Ha, not much time for the wild child I’m afraid. Although I do let her loose on occasion. But as I get older, I find that I’ve settled into a quiet place. When I was younger, it seemed important to me to express my views. They were important gosh darn it. But now, not so much. I’m happy to let others take the front seat. Let others take the lead and share their views. And I’m truly interested in what they think. But it’s not all that important that others know how I feel. The important thing is that I know who I am and how I feel.

    Thanks Diana, great post!

  15. Powerful post, Diana. As children we let our inner child play and speak and feel. Then we “grow up” and put the dam up or walls or other barriers. Such a shame. Good on you for learning to let yours out to play!

  16. Fantastic post, Diana! I love the idea of giving into the wild child. Good for you for letting loose!

  17. You are SO good … and even then you keep getting better! No matter at what stage of life we find ourselves, there is always a Wild Child lurking.

  18. I come from a circumspect family, and it worked well enough. First boyfriend was Italian, and his family scared the crap out of me until I realized that any of their outbursts–happy or angry–had the lifespan of a fruit fly. I was attracted to the wild child, but by the time I’d figured out how to respond to him, he had no idea what I was talking about. We must learn to tell ourselves the truth, and others if possible, but for some of us have to actually invent a wild child to let it out. And that’s not the truth either.

  19. I have the opposite problem, more often than not. I tend to let that “wild child” speak for me when I,maybe shouldn’t. I speak my mind as a rule, instead of the exception.

  20. What a beautifully drawn portrait. I am right there with you! I read somewhere (probably Twitter- LOL) that the leading cause of divorce is the avoidance of confrontation. Of course it is. That’s how things spiral out of control to start with, because we hold back, we suck in the breath of discontent, of disagreement, and then forget to exhale some other way until we explode from the pressure.

    Our inner Wild Child needs a fertile playground. Be free!

    Only when that happens can we really love one another the way we need to.

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