It Sounds As Bad As It Feels
What does it sound like when a spirit breaks?
Is it similar to a snap, a rip, or is it like an explosion? Maybe it is better described as the imploding of self.
It’s indescribable, actually, but it is instantaneous. One minute we’re fine, the next minute we’re not.
I push myself hard in all areas of my life. There are only two speeds – fast and faster. I choose to pile my life’s plate until it spills over. It works for me. It is physically, mentally, and spiritually impossible for me to slow down.
And that’s why I run. It helps to consume that extra energy that tends to shoot out like missiles in all directions. Ironically, running is the only way I can get myself to tone the energy down somewhat before it builds back up again.
To top it all off, I tend to soak up the energy around me – positive and negative – and when I am already on the verge of erupting, this can lead to some serious danger levels. You know, kind of like that contraption that the Ghostbusters used to catch the ghosts?
One day, after a particularly challenging day of listening to my sons fight, their words bouncing off the walls of my small office, I felt the shift. Something was horribly wrong. Only once before did this happen, but it was so long ago, I didn’t recognize the signs.
I knew enough to cut the day short, but instead of heading to the sanctuary of my home and seeking refuge there, I instead headed to the lake where I met with a friend of mine. I knew my walls were cracking and this was probably not a good idea, but I went anyway.
We talked quite a bit about life, relationships, people, our past, and before I knew it, I told my friend things that I didn’t dare reveal to myself. Things that scared me, things that hurt. I unloaded it all, grateful that my friend didn’t turn away. After that there was nothing left for me to purge.
I went home feeling empty and beat up, so I crawled into bed and curled up under the covers for two hours. My son checked on my every 15 minutes, truly worried for me. Never had he seen me like this. Hell, even when I had pneumonia a few years back, I don’t even think the family knew I was sick. But this…this was more intense, more debilitating. I had broken. I had split open my tightly sealed lock box that had been fused shut with the heat from my pace.
My mind and body had told me all that I needed to know. I need to slow down and let go of some of the pressure.
Will I heed that advice? Probably not. I’ll take it into consideration, though. These things take time. But at least I know that, though I’m not fragile, I can break.
With all we have going on as writers, bloggers, mothers, fathers, day job workers, etc., how do we know when to draw the line? Do you take time to decompress before or after the meltdown? I’d love to hear from you! I think we all could use a little advice!
Posted on October 14, 2011, in Blogging, Health, Human, Relationships, Twitter, Writing and tagged angels, balance, blogging, breakdown, breaking, broken angels, Diana Murdock, Diana Murdock's blog, energy, health, meltdown, spirit, writing. Bookmark the permalink. 19 Comments.